A spring forecast for New York

Monday

It's spring! Morning temperatures will hover around twenty-four degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of minus ten. Expect two bursts of monsoon-like rain, the first when you walk to the subway and the second when you get home. Around 2 P.MBut it should be fun, as long as you stay on the sunny side of the street. Stepping into the shade, you experience a cold so chilling you wonder if a ghost is touching your neck. The upside is that today you can wear any jacket you own! Pretty fun, right?

Tuesday

So the marmot told us it would be warm by now – and it will be! Every other minute. Today we experience the famous New York Zigzag, where the temperature fluctuates between ninety and thirty degrees. And when it's thirty degrees, it snows. But not the fluffy white stuff. The cold, dirty, wet stuff that instantly forms a deep, muddy crevasse at every corner. Maybe wear a parka, but with just a T-shirt underneath? I'm sorry.

Wednesday

You know what? The weather today is actually pretty cool! By that I mean that everyone will be hot from the stomach down, cold from the legs down, and have wet backs from the stop-and-start horizontal rain in the morning. The early evening conditions are best summed up by the following poem:

hickory, dickory, dock,

It was sunny at five o'clock.

The clock struck six,

Came a wintry mix,

And at seven o'clock you'll have hail as big as a stone.

Sometimes I try to remember why I got into the weather game in the first place. I guess I was just lured by the prestige.

Thursday

Um, let's just leave this out of the way. Tornado warning in the morning. Hurricane winds in the afternoon. Some sun from about 1:15 to 1:18 P.M. Then it rains for the next fifteen hours. But do you remember that beautiful solar eclipse from 2017? Well, there won't be an eclipse today, but there will be there shall be some kind of blinding sun event. And only one in three observers will become permanently blind. Time for more good news: remember that lightweight jacket you bought two years ago that your mother said was completely impractical because it will only keep you comfortable when it's sixty-eight degrees, with no sun and a light wind from the north ? Set your alarm for 2am BEN., the rain stops and you have exactly thirteen minutes to wear this jacket! Yippie! (Yes I am being sarcastic.)

Friday

We did it, Joep! Today is finally here again perfect. Sunny, warm, not a cloud in the sky. Seriously, you know that weather that is so comfortable and pleasant that you really feel like you're indoors? That's today! It literally couldn't be more beautiful. Except, okay, yes, you'll be stuck inside at work all day, but let's pray this good weather lasts all weekend!

Saturday

Now seems like a good time to learn about a “supercell,” a particularly severe thunderstorm characterized by a persistently rotating updraft. If you're looking for a visual image, think back to that scene in “Independence Day” where the spaceships emerge from ominous, dark clouds, except without the aliens and without the nations of the world putting aside their differences and unite to fight a common enemy. Maybe you can make it fun by wearing an umbrella hat? I'm trying!

Sunday

When I attended the Dover Academy for Weather Excellence, at Exit 14 on the New Jersey Turnpike, I thought my life would be about educating people about weather. They say it would be fun for their wedding! That a nice snowstorm would mean school is canceled! All I can say about today's weather is: have you ever seen a rat sweat? Expect temperatures to rise above one hundred and five degrees with relative humidity at one hundred and twenty percent. You'll finally learn why New York is the city that never sleeps, and that's because your pre-war building is still radiating steam heat into this inferno. At least from now on it will be easy as this weather will continue for the next six months. Unfortunately, air conditioners are sold out this season. Why did they let me say that last thing? I have nothing to do with selling air conditioning! You know what? I'm retiring and finally pursuing a career that my fellow New Yorkers will love me for. I'm going to be an investment banker at Goldman Sachs.

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