What no one tells you about parenting

Being a parent is hard.

This is probably the first time you've heard this, as most parents are reluctant to tell you how tough it is for them. But caring for a human with no emotional regulation, motor skills or neck strength? It's quite difficult. How hard? It's hard to say, since people with children remain tight-lipped and refuse to elaborate endlessly at dinner parties, but it probably falls somewhere between the challenge of opening a can of soda and the problems you might encounter with spine surgery. on a trampoline. Thank you, books about parenting. I think I'll figure this out myself.

As time goes by, your baby will grow into a child, and that child into a bigger child.

Shoes, clothes, food – you will need more of these as your child's size increases, proportional to linear time. Is your child getting taller? You bet – but also wider. Expect your child to grow physically in all known directions. Good luck reading it this on all mom blogs.

Children need money.

This one is shocking but true: children cost money. Especially because you have to buy 'things' for them. Sneakers, lasagna, high school tuition, a tiny toilet, a bar mitzvah gift for his dirtiest friend, hideous plastic trash toys – these are just some of the “things” your child will likely need that modern commerce requires. obtained with liquid currency. It's almost impossible to find this information anywhere, so go ahead and complain about this all day until you pass out.

Two children is more than one child.

Remember that money thing from back in the day? Prepare yourself, because this one is a doozy: If you decide to have a second child, so will that child Also costs money, maybe even more money than the first child (inflation). This will be done effectively double the amount of money, not to mention the space, that your constantly growing children need.

Summer happens every year, usually at the same time.

No, last year was not a fluke. In general, you can expect summer to occur sometime between April and November. Summer is a time when there is traditionally no school (you may remember this as a kid), which means you'll have to find another way to fill your child's days as they continue to exist. As insulting as summer is to you personally, it's a trend that most eagle-eyed parents are okay with.

Your baby may not know Microsoft Excel at first.

It would be great if all babies had at least a basic understanding of Excel, but besides pissing themselves and having no language skills, most babies can't format cells. Not that anyone bothers to tell you that.

Your mediocre husband may not turn out to be an excellent father.

Surprised that your guy of a partner hasn't done a 180 and shown up for parenthood in a way he's never shown up for anything else in his entire life? Yes, it's a head scratcher. Watch your friends' jaws drop when you tell them that the same guy who still insists he's “not good at cleaning” has discovered he's also “not good at getting up in the middle of the night.”

Children poop, just like adults.

Yes, believe it. When you feed a child, the child's body converts the food into feces (turn your child upside down to confirm this). This process may sound familiar to a carbon-based organism, but feel free to discuss this phenomenon as if it were completely new, and don't skimp on the details. People are very interested in the volume and frequency of your child's bowel movements.

Time is finite.

Okay, brace yourself: time, as we've come to understand it, is finite. What this means for you, as a parent, is that every minute you spend bathing your child or feeding your child chewed carrots is a minute you cannot devote himself to other activities, such as flying to Spain or going to the movies. I know: it's complicated. Imagine a bucket full of water. Now imagine dipping a mug into that bucket and scooping out some water. There would be fewer water in the bucket, right? That's kind of how time works. Sorry!

Public school is free and private school costs money, and people will argue that your child may get a better education at the private school, but public schools tend to be more diverse. And if you have the means to pay for private school, supporting the public school system is probably preferable. Plus, it takes a lot of work to get a kid into a good private school, so it's a dilemma.

Nobody talks about this. ♦

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